Everybody knows that having a second-favorite team isn't like kissing your sister--it's more like deep tonguing her while reaching in for the boob grab. Totally uncalled for!
It's therefore necessary that we all have our own internal lists of NFL teams we truly hate. Now it's time to make those internal lists external.
How I rank the NFL teams in order of hatred (least to most):
PIT—no hatred; they rule.
1. CHI—How can you hate Sweetness’ team? I tried. I can’t....I mean, I hate them, but just the least of all the others.
2. GB—Even though I hate the buzz around him, I’m a Brett Favre fan for one simple reason: Until last year, he was undefeated in below-freezing weather. That’s just cool.
3. BUF—4 trips to the SB in a row. Lost every time. I pity them.
4. IND—I kinda like Manning. Can’t help it. The guy called his kicker an "idiot kicker." And he was right!
5. AZ—How can you hate a team that sucks this bad? Plus, I’m kinda rooting for Leinart.
6. NE—I should hate this team more, but it’s hard to. They are impressive--from Tom Brady to the Genius to their team-first attitude.
7. DET—I can’t hate Barry Sanders’ old team. Impossible. Plus they suck too bad to hate them. The only thing I hate about them is that they play in a dome and they play on Thanksgiving--as if we 300 million Americans give a damn about the Lions!
8. NO—They have the worst luck in history (besides the Browns). Again, I pity them.
9. DEN—I should totally hate this team too, but for some reason I don’t that much; probably because Denver is a cool city.
10. SD—You gotta be impressed with LT. And before that…Natron Means baby!
11. NYG—While I hate Eli Manning, I’ve never really hated the Giants much. Not sure why.
12. SF—Used to hate them, now they suck (see AZ and DET).
13. WAS—I would totally hate the Skins (duh…Snyder) if they were in ANY other city. But I love going to their games, and last year’s end-of-the-season run was the second most exciting part of the season—next to Steelers’ end-of-the-season run, of course.
14. KC—I’ve never felt neither here nor there about the Chiefs—they are my middle-of-the-road team, separating the “kinda hate” teams from the “really hate” teams.
15. CLE—I hate them, but I hated it more when they left Cleveland. I love to hate them, so that means I kinda like them. Plus, they're owned by the city of Cleveland, which is old school.
16. ATL—All herpes aside, I’m not a Vick fan.
17. NYJ—Unless Namath is playing for them, I hate the Jets—and he was only cool then cuz he’s a drunk now.
18. PHI—Terrible fan base.
19. TB—Hate teams in FLA, that’s just a rule.
20. MIA—Ditto. plus, they’re named after a fish. (As my fellow blogger, Aaron, has since noted...a dolphin is a mammal, not a fish--which only makes me hate the Fins more!!) Plus Jeff Hill liked them growing up--you might not know what that means, but I do....LOVE Ricky Williams, though!
21. JAX—I HATE expansion teams by rule.
22. TEN—I liked the Houston Oilers under Moon and the run-and-shoot, so therefore, I hate the Titans.
23. HOU—1. Expansion team; 2. I hate Texas (unless Warren Moon plays for you).
24. CAR—Expansion team; plus they ruined my FF team this year because I picked a bunch of their players after Sport Illustrated said they were going to win SB41.
25. OAK—I hate Oakland’s fan base, those cocky f*cks. Just suck baby!
It’s hard for me to rank these last 6 teams, because I hate them all so much, but I’ll try (Interestingly enough, after making this list, I've since gone back and realized that every team the Steelers have faced in a SB is included in my Top 6 Most Hated. That wasn't intentional, but I like the fact that it ended up that way.) :
26. STL—I hate the Rams! They ALWAYS cost me points when I bet either for them or against them. They suck when they should be good and vice versa. They always blow division games, which is personal pet peave of mine.
27. MIN—They’re purple! Need I say more? Plus they play in a dome. When you live in southern Canada, you would get mucho respect if you played outside. Buffalo does. Green Bay does. Why not Minny? Those sallies!
28. SEA—I never hated them until they became crybabies after losing to the Steelers in SB40. Now I despise them.
29. DAL—1. We’ve faced them 3 times in SBs; 2. I HATE Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders, and I kinda hate Emmit Smith; 3. I hate Jerry Jones and kinda hate Jimmy Johnson; 4. I hate how they are somehow “America’s Team” and yet they belong to the only state that has in its state constitution the right to secede* from the union at any time the state legislature votes to do so—what’s American about that?; 5. I hate their fans, who seem to be EVERYWHERE; 6. I hate Texas; 7. Because I like going to Skins games, I hate the Cowboys; *8. After originally writing this list, I have since discovered that Texas does NOT, in fact, have the right of secession--the fact that I had to look this up to be proven wrong makes me hate Texas and all its teams even more!
30. CIN—Yes, they are my "home team" in so much as Dayton is closer to Cincy than any other team's city, but big deal. And why #30, instead of #31? It’s hard for me to hate any team more than Cincinnati, but I figured out that in one scenario, I actually favor the Bengals winning: Whenever they play Baltimore.
31. BAL—1. They should have stayed in Cleveland, where at least they have good fans; 2. They’re purple; 3. They won a SB in a very short amount of time—I always hate teams that do that; 4. Their fans act like they have been around in the league forever—stupid f*ckfaces!; and 5. I hate the fact that my favorite defensive player ever (Rod Woodson) ended up playing for them, and even more, that he ended up winning a SB ring with them--the shame!
