What You May Have Missed Last Night

If you fast forwarded between UFC fights last night, you missed out on some real treats! More below.

What do you get if you combine the OC, Karate Kid, Rocky, and Fight Club?

Never Back Down. This movie is described thusly on IMDB:

At his new high school, a rebellious teen (Faris) is lured into an underground fight club, where he finds a mentor in a mixed martial arts veteran (Hounsou).

The trailer I saw last night includes an Ed Norton lookalike, a training montage involving a black man and a white man running with an oceanic backdrop, and lots of exotic kicking. How much you want to bet the white man wins the race in the end, while learning invaluable lessons along the way?

Those of us watching the UFC last night were also treated to a "sneak peek" of the new Rambo, which involved Rambo urging his male and female companions to run, setting up a claymore mine and then running like hell. The bad guys (looking very North Vietnamese but actually Burmese) uncover the claymore at the last second before it explodes, destroying half the jungle (apparently one of those nucular claymores.)

Thankfully, Rambo has the necessary footspeed to outrun the explosion, just like Ahnuld way back in Predator. I couldn't quite hear any maniacal, otherworldly laughter echoing through the jungle, because I was singing along to the soundtrack, Rob Zombie's classic "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor".

Anyhoo, upshot is, I'm disappointed that Rambo is stealing from other 80s action movies besides his own. I was kind of hoping the new Rambo movie would just be a bunch of clips from the previous Rambo movies thrown together, almost like Gus Van Sant's shot for shot remake of Psycho, but different.

The Teddy Roosevelt Sucks at Racing Theory

I started a new blog with Sean Flaherty called Flat Black Ops, where, being the conspiracy theorist that I am, I post a theory, and he, being the skeptic, follows it with a rebuttal about how I'm dead wrong.

While Sean has yet to respond to my first conspiracy theory (expect his response sometime this week), I thought you'd all enjoy it, especially Boss Hog.

It's the "Defeated Teddy Theory", and it's all about how Teddy has yet to win a race at the Washington Nationals' Presidents Races.

You can find it here.

This Week in Non-Sports News: Reason #346 Why Lohan Should Have Died Immediately Following Mean Girls

#346: Referred to rehab as a "sobering experience."

You don't even need Caruso

to solve these crimes

This Week in Non-Sports News

Now the World Don’t Move!

Gary Coleman Cited for Disorderly Conduct

PROVO, Utah – Former child star Gary Coleman was cited for disorderly conduct after witnesses said they saw him in a heated argument with a woman in a parking lot.

Gary Coleman, 39, and the woman were in his vehicle discussing their relationship Friday night when two eye witnesses reported seeing him hit the steering wheel with his hands.

When police arrived on the scene, Gary Coleman was noticeably excited and loud. “At one point he exited his vehicle, waving his arms, yelling, ‘No, seriously! What are you talkin’ ‘bout, woman?!’” Capt. Cliff Argyle said.

With vehicles unable to exit the parking lot due to Gary Coleman’s actions, motorists became irate, and were like: “Honk, honk! Get out the way, Gary Coleman!”

Once officers were on the scene, Gary Coleman cooperated, moving his car. When officers pointed out that he cannot block traffic “like he owns the place,” Coleman responded, “Hey, what might be right for you, may not be right for some.”

Shortly thereafter, Gary Coleman’s female companion blurted out several obscenities, to which Gary Coleman responded, “I’ma man of means, baby! You got nuttin’ but your jeans!”

The disorderly conduct citation is a misdemeanor punishable by up to three months in jail and a $750 fine.

Gary Coleman moved to Santaquin, about 55 miles south of Salt Lake City, in 2005, around the time he starred in “Church Ball,” a comedy based on basketball leagues formed by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Coleman once fought a bitter legal battle with his parents over whether he was fit to handle his own affairs. In 1999, he pleaded no contest to disturbing the peace after he punched an autograph-seeker he claimed insulted him.

With that, let’s take a stroll down memory lane with Gary Coleman.

(A special thanks to Alan Thicke, who co-wrote the theme to “Diff’rent Strokes”—guess we know where his son Robin gets his musical genius.)

This Week in Non-Sports News

Actor Jeremy Piven has a tip for his sushi waiter: “Watch Entourage.”

The New York Daily News reports Piven has been blacklisted from restaurateur Nobu Matsuhisa’s chain of sushi eateries due to his “boorish behavior” at one Aspen outlet.

According to a source: “He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided,”

Don’t they know this guy makes or breaks careers with a phone call? Sheeesh.

The source added: “On his way out, [Piven] made a nasty comment to the manager: ‘Thanks for nothing.’”

Duh! This is Jeremy fuckin’ Piven we’re talking about! Cramped table? The nerve!

But the best part of the evening came when the waiter returned to collect his gratuity. Apparently, Piven “left a DVD of the first year of Entourage [for] one of the waiters,” alleges the source. “[An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving.”

So much for the taste of sushi cooks. He could have at least waited until after he watched the iconic Episode 6: “Busey at the Beach.” Duh.

Always the consummate professional, Piven sent his rep out to counter, telling the paper, “I'm such a fan of Nobu and all of his restaurants. I had a great dinner at the Nobu in Aspen. As always, the meal was excellent and the service was great.”

Meanwhile, Piven’s PR team has released the hounds by floating a story to illustrate the actor’s approachability—complete with blatant product placement. According to the New York Post, Piven is a “well-mannered gentleman,” who recently demonstrated this by being the only Entourage castmember “thoughtful enough” to send a thank-you note to the marketing geniuses at Altoids for the gift package the cast received containing its new curiously strong chocolatey-minty offering.

Said Piven, “They’re delicious. Can’t stop eating them!”

And some things you can’t make up. It’s true.

Worst Sports Website TV Blog EVER

Is here. This guy, who's not even the author featured at the top of the page, is like a young Peter King, who in turn is like a young Larry King. An excerpt on his "love" of Friday Night Lights:

Oh, no. I admire its originality and willingness to stick to side plots -- Jason Street would simply go away in any other network show. I love that football action is secondary, but that football philosophy is everywhere. I respect that I can relate to the storylines, or at least try to. I see Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor) and Connie Britton (Tami Taylor) as an Emmy-worthy duo. And I'd take Aimee eagarden/Zach Gilford over Seth Cohen/Summer Roberts or any combination of 90210-ians any day of the week. That's Florida-versus-Jackson State easy.

And your analysis, my dear sir, is Joakim Noah wearing a dress stupid. Kudos to you for your trenchant "side plots" comment. Because I can't tell you how many times I've watched ER's 4,000 strong ensemble cast and wondered to myself, "Couldn't I just once see them away from work, perhaps in a relationship with another doctor or paramedic, I mean, just once?!" It's infuriating, I know, and thank God for FNL breaking that mold. But it gets worse. On Blades of Glory:

In one word: better. I spent 10 minutes on the phone with Will Arnett for a Q&A this week, and now I'm convinced that he can single-handedly lift this movie out of the gutter. He plays a pairs figure skater alongside his wife Amy Poehler, who is every bit as cute as she is funny.

Will Arnett: Playing GOB, but on skates, will save this movie. Amy Poehler: As cute as she is funny. I don't think cute means what you think it means, brother. But it gets even worser:

Not good. The movie, which comes out March 30, has Will Arnett, which is grand. My Arrested Development-loving bretheren are psyched. But it’s got Napoleon Dynamite, too, which can’t be good. Look at the guy's track record. He’s not funny unless he’s spoon-feeding Chef Boyardee to llamas, essentially. And it's got Will Ferrell, which concerns me the most given that this could easily turn into Talladegha Nights II. On the upside, I’ve heard Ferrell won’t be doing the Blades press circuit in character, which got really old really fast when Talladegha Nights opened. I’ll read the in-character Q&As in Stuff magazine if I want bad jokes that didn’t make
the movie.

I keep forgetting that the funniest part of Napoleon Dynamite was the "llama eating Chef Boyardee." I thought it was the "5 minute dancing sequence in front of the whole high school," and because this movie is about "ice dancing", well, maybe I would give it a chance. But if there's even the remote threat that Will Ferrell might try to liven up the press circuit, which I am sure is a laugh riot as is, what with the actors being barraged with stupid questions from all quarters, by acting "in character," well sir, then I am out.

I can't wait to hear this guy's thoughts on Til Death....: "Brad Garrett turns the tables on his "Ray" persona with an endearingly cynical turn, while the "Tantric" Guy from American Pie singlehandedly raises this comedy to sublime levels...I keep expecting him to pork Brad Garretts' wife, and for Brad Garrett to drink monkey sperm!! Keep up the good work!!!"

Something smells fishy...oh wait, that's just my AIDS

So apparently, Tommy Morrison (aka Tommy "Machine" Gunn from Rocky V) is NOT, in fact, HIV positive, as he once...er...claimed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/boxing/story/6488410?MSNHPHMA

Morrison, who once tested positive in 1996, effectively ending his promising boxing career at 46-3 (actually, he fought at least once more later that year in Japan, but whatever), now says it was a misdiagnosis and he has since tested negative multiple times.

The West Virginia State Athletic Commission is cool wit it. Of course the appalachian state lacks mandatory blood testing for boxers (as well as for cousins/candidates for marriage licenses, apparently). Morrison is now contracted for 8 fights.

Said Morrison: "The rug was yanked out from under my feet by a misdiagnosis. All I want to do is fight. ... It's unfinished business."

During the decade that went by since Morrison last fought, Tommy might not have died from AIDS, but the sport of boxing sure did. Nearly the entire pool of fresh talent has swam over to the world of MMA, leaving boxing with little to promote. This sounds like either one of the biggest medical screw ups in sport's history or a cry for help from a corrupt sport right before it hits the concrete on its fall from grace.

Said every boxer in the world: "I ain't fightin' that guy." No offense.

Steel Skins tried to reach Sly Stallone for comment, but he was too busy filming his next picture, Rambo IV (No, I'm not joking). You see what you Rocky Balboa fans have done? You give a senior citizen a can opener, and he'll open up the entire can of worms.

a movie review

okay, so it's not related to football, but...

so I watched a movie the other day that is pretty much a stylized porno. it's called "Lie With Me" and stars some chick who looks like a redheaded sister to Elisha Cuthbert (Lauren Lee Smith) and some dude with a big nose who was in the OC at one point, as well as the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (Eric Balfour). both are pretty much buck naked throughout the entire thing (side note complaint: while her character doesn't seem to own a bra—which is good—it shows him sans pants more than it shows her sans pants—which is obviously not so good). it also features a ridiculously small amount of dialogue, and instead features voiceover narration and mood music (think "Brown Bunny"). also like "BB", I'm convinced that the female lead actually performs fellatio on the male counterpart—and he definitely goes down on her. some things you can't fake.

anyway, the movie, surprisingly, isn't awful (although this is coming from the guy who thought the same thing about "BB"—a film most people would have to be stoned out of their gourds to make it through till the end (which is where the infamous Chloe Sevigny blowjob scene takes place, for those of you who are renting it just for that—go ahead and skip the first hour and a half).

anyway, my point: why is it that indy film can think they can get away with making pornography if they just add a voiceover, mood music or interesting editing? don't get me wrong, I think more and more well-known actresses could benefit by gettin' down and dirty (okay, maybe "benefit" isn't the right word); but in the end, there's neary a difference between these art-house NC-17s and a full-blown (no pun intended) porno. and I say to the cast: what, do you think you'll have an easier time breaking the news of your upcoming role to your folks about the chick with the dick in her mouth by emphasizing the fact that there's a much better (arguable) soundtrack to this movie than is featured in "Debbie Does Dallas"? pornography that's artistic is still pornography, isn't it? or are we still trying to push the envelope with what defines pornography? I got news for ya folks, pornography is only defined by Congress, who—as proven time and time again from McCarthy to Ashcroft to Lieberman—doesn't know dick about art, or, for that matter, pornography. and any film that features an actor/actress actually performing fellatio/cunnilingus is a porno, no matter what packaging you put it in.

not that there's anything wrong with that. to quote the late great Bill Hicks, "I LOVE pornography."