JIM TRESSEL’S BCS INNER MONOLOGUE

Gametime My kids are ready. I just gave the pregame speech of the week, so I know they are. I stood before them in the locker room, cocked my head in that arrogant way only Robert Duvall can truly do, and whispered in a voice they strained to hear above the pounding of their excited hearts: “I love the feel of merino wool in the evening! It feels like...VICTORY!!

1st Quarter
14:44. Like I said, victory. Ted Ginn Jr. is fast. Real fast. That’s what speed is, Urban! Somebody tell him the humidity down there actually slows people up.

14:34. One of the things I like best about myself is my sideline demeanor. I am cool, collected, under control. I never panic. Never. I think I should be on some insurance commercial or something. “Hi, my name is Jim Tressel, Coach of THE Ohio State University Buckeyes and two-time National Championship winner in five years. I never let my teams see me sweat, and that’s because neither does All State. Or something like that. If that doesn’t work out, I’d be happy to pitch the Viper Anti-Car Theft Device.

14:21. I am so confident of my defense’s ability to stop the Urban Gators that I will not even pretend to care about what my defensive coordinator is calling. By the way, do you get the Urban Gator? Get it? There’s a double meaning there. I won’t tell you what it is. See if you can guess.

11:20. I will resist the urge to wonder about my DC’s playcalling. This game is in the bag, people.

10:41. Tie score. There’s a Chinese proverb that says every opportunity is a crisis, or vice versa. This crisis gives me the opportunity to unleash Troy Smith on the Urban Gators. He and Ted Ginn, Jr. are going give Urban some kind of crisis! I mean it!

8:40. Hmmm. Troy is a little off. That’s cool. I didn’t see Ted Ginn, Jr. out there. Where is he, I wonder? We must have installed a Ted Ginn Jr. On The Sidelines package that week of preparation I spent shopping for a fitting professorial glasses/sweater vest combination. I settled on the gray frames and red vest, as opposed to the opposite. Like it? It’s classy, I know. I even went with the plain front pants. To keep it real.

5:41. I specifically asked Coach OC what's-his-name to NOT run the Ted Ginn, Jr. On The Sidelines package and what does he do? He not only has Ted Ginn, Jr. on the sidelines, but also in the locker room. He keeps telling me to talk to the medical staff. Like they know how to properly utilize Ted Ginn, Jr.! I mean, who else is Troy going to throw to??

2:49. The medical staff has just informed me that Ted Ginn, Jr. is injured and may not play the rest of the game. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. We’re fine. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. We’re good. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Keep calm. Don’t panic. Thank God Coach put in the Ted Ginn, Jr. On The Sideline package…Ok. Ok. Ok. We’re good to go.

2nd Quarter
14:56. 21-7. Not insurmountable. Especially with Troy Smith and Ted…I mean, Troy Smith and Anthony Gonzales. I know that Anthony has the utmost respect for me because, for one thing, I have NEVER, EVER put the word “speedy” just before “Gonzales”, even when I am busting his balls. If I do it, I put the “speedy” AFTER Gonzales, just like they would do in his language. I am very respectful of other cultures.

13:32. Pittman scores! 21-14! What’d I tell you? Absolutely nothing. It was a trick question. My professional demeanor alone has inspired by troops to get back in this game. I didn’t even have to say ONE word. I just stood there and flipped through the pages on my clipboard as if there was actually football-related stuff on there when really it’s a list of things to accomplish after winning a 2nd National Championship. I may have to fit the insurance commercial in there between “divorcing my long-suffering wife to get some hot co-ed-u-action” and “winning a 3rd National Championship with the best Ohio has to offer while idly standing by.”

6:15. This game is settling down…finally submitting to my will and becoming as calm and docile as I am. We are not stopping them, but we are about to contain them.

3:45. Urban, you are mine, now. You will feel the force of my indomitable will. I will go for it, here, deep in our own territory. I will call the most unimaginative, straightforward play you can possibly imagine, overriding my OC’s plan to roll Troy Smith out for a run-pass option because that is NOT what this game is all about. I don’t play your sissy game, Urban. I play MY game. And my game is about DOMINATION. My domination. And I will show you. I will stuff this ball right down your throat in such an obvious and moribund fashion that you cannot help but wilt before me. In fact, screw this. I’m going to tell you what the play is. Here it is: 34 SMASH. 3 for the tailback, 4 for the rightside off-tackle hole, and SMASH for WE ARE GOING TO SMASH YOUR FACE IN! And because this is played indoors, sort of, there will be no cloud of dust to hide your embarrassment and fear!! DO YOU HEAR ME, URBAN!!

3:42. Urban must have paid off the refs, Chris Wells, or both. I cannot believe this. Time for some deep meditation, to align my chi with the rest of the universe.

1:49. See, that wasn’t so bad…all they got was a field goal…

1:47. Troy Smith, you are raping me tonight! Raping me!! Ok. Ok. It’s all good. Maybe I should talk to him, yell at him…maybe yell, then encourage. Yell at, encourage, pat on the butt. Carrot and the stick, or stick and the carrot, that sort of thing. No, that stuff is gay. Troy knows what to do. I think it’s best of I just let him work this out. He has the heart of a champion. I know this. Because that’s what a head coach does. He enables people to develop champion-sized hearts just like his.

Halftime My players, even Gimpy Ted Ginn, Jr., are looking at me expectantly. My coaches tell me I should make some adjustments. Adjustments?! What do they want me to do, punt on 3rd down?

3rd Quarter
14:59 – 0:01. See? Our comeback is in full swing. We are lulling them to sleep with a series of punts on our side, and forcing them to punt as well. Like the mongoose that shakes it’s head back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…and the cobra’s head follows, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…lulling the cobra into a stupefied state of vulnerability…YAWN…man, coaching is hard work. I’ve set the stage, now it’s time for Troy to bring us back. Time for a nap.

4th Quarter
14:50. Man, do I feel rested. Do you know I perfected the art of sleeping while standing? I just let my energy go down…real low…it’s not easy, you know. I can be very uptempo sometimes. But not in front of my men…just my women, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I mean regarding sex. Just to be clear.

10:25. Wow. We are in a hole. Not good. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one aware of this. So that’s good. Because if I start to emanate a sense of urgency, my players could take the wrong cue and start to panic. And this THE Ohio State University Buckeyes team NEVER panics. NEVER!! I would rather die than panic.

8:03. I’ve always wondered, is Urban Meyer a Mormon? I think he is. He has a funny white man name and coached for Utah. He must be. Let me ask the guys up in the press box. How do you turn this headset thingie on?

6:23. The guys upstairs don’t seem to know about Urban Meyer’s religion, and they seem to resent me asking them to Google it. I mean, they all have labtops up there with Wireless cards. What’s the big deal?

5:24. Speaking of funny white man names, Ted Ginn, Jr. is one athlete that must wake up every morning thanking God he is African-American. Because if he was white, he would face a lot of stigma. I mean, if you walked across some white dude named Ted Ginn, you would think he was a serial killer, right? And if this white dude was Ted Ginn, Jr., that would be even worse, because he was the son of a serial killer and knew all the tricks of the trade. I almost didn’t recruit this kid because of that; then I saw his picture and it was ok.

1:07. I feel really let down right now. But on the bright side, the Urban Gators just ran out the last 8 minutes of the game running the ball down our throats. That’s taking a page out of my book. So he has to copy me in order to beat me. I feel validated.

Postgame
I just asked Urban if he’s a Mormon, and he said no, he’s Catholic. Wow. That really caught me off guard. That's surprising, because I am usually prepared for everything. Well, time to install the gameplan for next year, which should only take about 15 minutes, and then get on with the more important things in life. Like achieving my dreams.