Goooooooaaaaaal!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UFC Buys PRIDE

The owners of the Ultimate Fighting Championships have purchased Pride Fighting Championships, their Japanese—and main—competitors. Said UFC co-owner Lorenzo Fertitta: “This is really going to change the face of MMA, literally creating a sport that could be as big around the world as soccer.”

Soccer fans from around the globe have already responded: “UFWhat?”

But Fertitta persists, albeit with mixed metaphors, “I liken it somewhat to when the NFC and AFC came together to create the NFL.”

And just as the AFC/NFC marriage came with a unification of rules, so too will the UFC/Pride merger. According to UFC President Dana White, Pride will adopt the same rules as the UFC—except for the UFC’s exclusive use of the Octagon, as Pride will continue to be fought in a boxing-style ring. But certain strikes, which were formerly legal in Pride fights, will now be banned—strikes like soccer kicks and knees to the head while one opponent is on the ground.

Said soccer fans around the world: “Soccer what? …I think he means futball.”

Rebutted White: “This is a sport and we’re going to follow the unified rules that were established in New Jersey and then in Nevada. It’s a sport—mixed martial arts—and the sport should have the same rules everywhere. As far as I’m concerned, if an organization doesn’t follow these rules, it’s not MMA. It’s something else, but that’s not MMA.”

Said FIFA President Sepp Blatter: “MMWhat? I thought we were talking about the same sport here? Clearly this isn’t football, or as you Americans refer to it, ‘soccer’. I want to make clear to football fans throughout the world, soccer kicks are still, and will always be, perfectly legal. It’s the Molotov cocktails that ought to go.”