“The Grasshopper”…no wait! “The Bad Accountant”…no wait!

A Cage Fighter’s Guide to Nicknaming

So you wanna be a cage fighter, huh? You’ve ditched your tighty whities in favor of some baggier shorts. You’ve beat up your little brother dozens of times. You even got an original theme song picked out for your introduction (well, okay, it’s AC/DC’s “Thunder Struck”). Now all you need is a good nickname.

Here are some general rules for selecting a good nickname, based on the successes and failures of some UFC veterans (as well as a few other jokers):

Successful Nicknaming

There are a ton of great nicknames out there, so you might want to consider these sure-fire
nicknaming trends:

1. Don’t pick a nickname

You just can’t pick on fighters like Matt Hughes, Forrest Griffin, Royce Gracie, Evan Tanner, Hermes Franca and Jon Fitch for choosing stupid nicknames. Why? ‘Cause they never did (plus, they’d kick your ass). When in doubt, don’t nickname yourself.

2. Pick a nickname that rhymes with your last name

If you’re lucky enough to have the last name of Doneslusher, feel free to go with Nate “The Bonecrusher” Doneslusher, but most of us aren’t that lucky. Others are, like Marvin “The Beastman” Eastman, Matt “The Terror” Serra (pronounced “Terra”) and Mike “Quick” Swick—who is badass enough to back up his nickname with multiple first-minute knockouts. Just don’t go overboard, like Keith “The Dean of Mean” Jardine. And just be careful if your last name is Bussy.

3. Pick a nickname from another language

Never mind what it means, your American fans won’t know the difference! You think anyone knows what Marcio “Pe De Pano” Cruz means? Probably “bringer of pain” or something like that. Or Gabriel “Napao” Gonzaga? Probably something about how he can squeeze your head off with a triangle choke. Who cares what it means—this is America! Our names don’t mean shit!

4. Ditch your first name entirely and replace it with a nickname

You think “Rampage” Jackson allowed having a pussy first name like Quinton keep him down? No! He just dropped it and replaced it with a better one. Or what about Renato “Babalu” Sobral? Who cares if his nickname means “Cuban dance move” in Portuguese? To Americans it sounds like “monkey” and everyone loves monkeys. Plus, Renato is probably Portuguese for Ronald, and that’s the name of the kid you used to beat up on recess. What about Tank Abbott?—no one even knows what his first name is! And Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic dropped the Filipovic altogether when he came to the States. Now he just reminds you that he used to be a Croatian cop, and he’ll kill you.

5. Pick a nickname that fits your appearance

When Jeff Monson chose “Snow Man” as his nickname, he simultaneously did two things: 1. He made everyone stop and gasp, “Holy shit, that guy does look like a snowman”; and 2. He made everyone afraid of snowmen. Andrei “Pit Bull” Arlovski chose a nickname that reminds us all he is a trained pit fighter, which in Belarus is the equivalent of human cock fighting. You might think “The Axe Murderer” is kind of a silly nickname—that is until you see Wanderlei Silva standing on your back porch with your wife’s head thrown over his shoulder. Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk looks exactly like a muscle shark—whatever the hell that is. Josh “The Dentist” Neer’s nickname is pure genius—but only because his teeth look like a rusted out bear trap. And Hector “Sick Dog” Ramirez probably only chose a nickname as a veiled attempt to hide his true identity. After all, the guy’s name is Hector Ramirez—how many Mexican gangsters
do you think he’s already killed?

6. Pick a nickname that no one else would possibly think of

You might think Kerry “The Meat Truck” Schall is a dumb name, but at least it’s original and descriptive—I mean you know this guy is a heavyweight when his name’s “Meat Truck.” And you might get your ass handed to you for calling a guy “Twinkle Toes,” which makes Frank Trigg’s nickname pretty much fightin’ words. Go ahead…call him it.

7. Pick a nickname that sounds good with your first or last name

Joe Riggs lucked out. It was almost too easy to come up with “Diesel.” Unfortunately tattooing “Diesel” across your abs is gay, but he didn’t get that memo. And Chris “The Crippler” Leben is a great nickname and much better than potential alternatives Chris “Screamin’” Leben, Chris “I’m Heavin’” Leben, Chris “You pulled me over cause I was weavin’?” Leben, or Chris “Even-Steven” Leben.

8. Pick a nickname to hide the fact that your real name is dopey

If you named your kid Ed Herman, he’d probably go through life being pissed off too. Especially seeing as how you’d get beat like a red headed step child by your peers. Now couple this with the fact that he is a red headed step child! That’s why Ed “Short Fuse” Herman works. He’s
about one insult removed from knocking your face off.

9. Pick a bold nickname if you got the talent to back it up

If you truly are a badass and can back up your nickname, then by all means go bold. That’s why B.J. “The Prodigy” Penn is so good—he really is a prodigy in MMA (plus, it hides the fact that his real name is “Baby Jay.” Gay, anyone?). Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell is always cool under pressure. And the best nickname of them all: Brandon “The Truth” Vera, whose undefeated record backs up the fact that he may in fact be the truth.

Unsuccessful Nicknaming

When nicknaming yourself, make sure you don’t make the same mistake as these guys:

1. Don’t pick a nickname that tries to veil your closet homosexuality

I’m sorry, but Joe “Daddy” Stevenson and Justin “The Pretty Boy” James are one petty crime away from being bunk mates with some beefy convict who calls all his bitches “Betty.”

2. Don’t pick a nickname that’s utterly confusing

What the hell was Kristian Rothaermel thinking when he picked “Weather Underground”? Either this clown is a history major, a huge Massive Attack fan or actually believes UFC fans know how to read.

3. Don’t pick a nickname that’s just plane stupid

Do you think every time Cory Walmsley tells people his nickname, the conversation goes like this:

CW: “Hard Cor.” Get it? Hard Coooooooor? There’s no “e” at the end of “Cor.” Get it?

And what about Jason “The Gizzard” Gilliam? How big of a moron do you think he is? And I know that Shonie “Mr. International” Carter fancies himself a renaissance man, but in reality, we all know he just fancies himself.

4. Don’t pick a nickname that shows your age

Every time I think of Elvis “The King of Rock n Rumble” Sinosic, I picture an elderly lady trying to explain to me the Roaring ‘20s. This is made worse by the fact that Elvis Sinosic actually looks like an elderly lady.

5. Don’t pick a nickname that just barely misses the mark

Sorry Rich Franklin, but “Ace”? This ain’t tennis. Jens Pulver had the misfortune of being named Jens, but the fortune of also being named Pulver, which just sounds like an ass kicking waiting to happen. Too bad he wrecked it with “Little Evil.” Clay “The Carpenter” Guida probably wants to remind us all of his faith, but “The Carpenter” ought to be the name of the

trainer, not the fighter. Dan “The Upgrade” Lauzon sounds fine on it’s own, but unfortunately it’s there to remind us that he’s even better than his older brother Joe Lauzon. So what’s that say about Joe? Ouch. Joe: 0, Backhanded Compliments: 1.

6. Avoid nicknames that remind your fans of Jenny from the Block

Speaking of Joe Lauzon, his nickname is “J-Lau.” No, Joe. NO.

7. Avoid superheroes and cartoon characters at all cost

Kurt “Batman” Pellegrino might be the stupidest nickname in the entire UFC. And do you think Dennis “Superman” Hallman needs to remind people that, apparently, 13 of his opponents brought kryptonite in to the ring? Jeremy “Gumby” Horn, while posting an unbelievable 79-15-5 record, still draws attention to the fact that he looks like a flabby piece of rubber.

8. For the love of God, enough with the movie references

The more I think of it, Kurt Pellegrino’s “Batman” actually takes second place to the stupidest nickname of all time: Victor “The Matrix” Valimaki. The what? So let me get this straight, Vic…You’re a simulated reality created by sentient machines in order to pacify, subdue and ultimately use the human population as an energy source by growing them and connecting them to an alternate reality (i.e., you) with cybernetic implants? Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice nickname, Vic.

Derrick “The Eraser” Noble opted to nickname himself after the worst Schwarzenegger movie since Raw Deal. If you love Arnold so much, Derrick, why not go with a more obvious choice, like “The Terminator”? “The Predator”? “The Barbarian”? The only thing worse would have been “The Kindergarten Cop”, but I’m sure some jackass will use it before too long.

And finally, Chris “The Exorcist” Price reminds us all that he plans to save his opponent by releasing the evil spirits hiding within. Just because you love a movie, doesn’t make it a good nickname. Why not Chris “The Bridges of Madison County” Price? Let’s get nutty.

9. Don’t use “Assassin” as part of your nickname

Of course what the UFC needs to do is introduce the ultimate event for praising the art of nicknaming: UFC 73: Night of the Assassins. Here, the main event would be a battle royale between fighters from every weight class with the sole winner getting exclusive rights to use “Assassin” as part of his nickname. Featured fighters would include Light Heavyweight Sam “The Alaskan Assassin” Hoger, Middleweights David “The Soul Assassin” Terrell and Danny “The Assassin” Abbadi, Welterweights Luke “The Silent Assassin” Cummo and Alex “Assassin” Karalexis, and Lightweight Melvin “The Young Assassin” Guillard.